It dawned on me last night that this is the first time in 9 years that I have been spending my free time alone instead of in the company of friends.
At the age of 14 I was always with Adrienne every weekend, by 15 if I wasn't spending time with Adrienne I was with my group of friends from the zoo, by 16 since Adrienne was busy with her new boyfriend all the time I was with Heather, CC and Amaris 3 days out of the week at least, multiple sleepovers, all nighters in cars and even Heather moving in with me at one point.
After I turned 17 there was a huge blow up between our close knit group,only Heather and I managed to salvage our friendship a few months afterward...just so happened Darren wandered into my life about a month before this. We started dating literally days after this blowup and I was with him every weekend and all throughout every break he had in college.
The September after I turned 18, he left me. I was over at Heather's every weekend after that happened, Spending days at a time together usually with both of us drunk most nights.
Right before Heather and I had our huge falling out in early 2008, I had started hanging out with Amanda, and seeing Darren again from time to time. Right after Mardi Gras I was staying with Amanda every weekend...eventually just moving in with her and having Darren come up once a month or so. I got a job at Safari in late 2008 and made a new group of friends once again a few months before I moved out of Amanda's in early 2009.
Heather and I had reconciled once again and after getting my own place I was constantly with the Safari crew either at work or after parties lasting till 8am, Shopping with Tracy, or babysitting for Chad after an all nighter at his house. This was my life, all the while still seeing Darren occasionally. One bad night happened where I broke my leg at work...I ended up telling Darren I never wanted to see him again. Amazingly I had met Bobby a few months beforehand.
We started hanging out all the time and getting closer and closer every week. Soon I had quit Safari, we were dating (due to that I was no longer with the Safari group as most of them didn't approve of me dating him) and I was living with him the 10 days he was home from the boat. The other 20 days I was usually found at Nikki's house hanging out with her, Tracy, Gina and occasionally Dean who I had met a couple of years earlier. I got a job at Century link and also had my few friends there that came to know. After Bobby left me I was either drunk with the Century link misfits or over at Nikki's house with her and Dean and back to occasionally seeing Darren.
Fast forward a few months to the present. I don't work at Century link anymore and never see any of that group. Nikki has turned into a crazy 2-faced bitch, Dean is stuck on her. So needless to say they aren't in my life anymore. Darren is busy with school/finding a job and thinks we need a "break to miss each other". The friends I have made in the past year are all very busy, one with a wedding, and 2 with jobs/life in general. Heather and Ginna I don't really see anymore due to jobs, life and in Ginna's case, distance. Amanda is busy being a newlywed and buying their first house together.
That long ass run on speech was my painfully long way of explaining the fact that, for the first time since I was 14, I'm not finding myself around friends 24/7. Every time before this when there has been a loss of a friend a new one has walked into my life sometimes just weeks before as if the universe was doing its damnedest to keep me from being alone.
I don't quite know what to do with myself, I'm confronted with the glaring task of actually dealing with myself as a unique person and not as everyone else treats me. Not to mention finding out who that person is...it's so strange to be here at this point...and trying to revert to old habits and have people from my past not realize I'm not quite the same girl I was when I was 14, 17, or even 19, so much changed every time my circle of friends shifted and no one seems to see this but me. So my life has gone from one of partying and non stop random nights...to solitude and quiet reflection....not sure how I feel about this.
