12 years and counting

It's been 10 years since I wrote a post on here....12 years since I decided I was going to move to New Orleans and go to Aveda. I even set a date, Sept of 2012 fall semester, then it was going to happen in 2013, then I wasn’t even going to bother with Aveda at that moment, I was just going to get to New Orleans (or at least close to it) as soon as possible in 2015. It's been 12 years, and I never went. I moved to Shreveport, across instead of down, then I moved back. Got married, got divorced. Never started Alt Modeling, never became a FX artist... Watched my mental health and the economy crumble almost at the exact same speed and that persistent decline just dragged down the likelihood of me ever getting south. I made dumb choice, the worst 2 of which were not leaving in 2013 when I had a standing job offer at one of the best haunted houses in the country, let alone the state and not leaving again after I had saved up $3000 because some stupid boy said he wouldn’t move down there. And here I am. Still here, still no hope of moving, for all new reasons now. New decisions, not all of which I regret. New roadblocks, most of which feel impossible. Same girl, 15 years older...I still feel like I'm 19 and I've been standing still with everything speeding past me. I’m the only one that didn’t successfully move away. I'm the only one that didn’t find a career, stack back money, find and keep their life partner early on. I get the creeping feeling that I'm going to blink again, and I'll be 45...then 55 and I'll still be here, with a life even more wasted than it is now. I find myself asking more and more often if there is a point. Why bother being here when things are so bad and unmoving and empty?

Revival of Rebellion.

Ever lied to yourself? No? Alright, have you ever tried to make yourself fit into a certain mold or persona that seemed to grate against your every sense of self? O.K, well that's lying to yourself. It doesn't seem like it, it seems like a perfectly normal thing to do, you tell yourself it's you being responsible, or growing up or even the wonderful excuse of "This is life, this is what happens". All of that is a big fucking lie, I should know, because it's a lie I've been telling myself for the past 4 years. I understand sometimes you have to do what you have to do. You need money, so you take a job that kills your soul every time you punch in your time. I get it, money is what this world revolves around and sometimes you just have to. But don't try to make yourself think that job is who you are, don't think this is all there is. 

 I have worked corporate jobs, I have worked snobby retail jobs and I hated every second of my life. It killed my soul so violently that I started having physical health problems, as well as my mental problems getting beyond out of control. As soon as I walked out of the doors I had a moment of unbridled relief, shortly followed by complete dread after realizing "Shit, I have to go back at some point". Don't get me wrong I had moments where a rebellious thought would break through the haze of conformity I had forced myself into. But I quickly brushed them off, as they only depressed me further. I missed my old life, I missed being 19 and being able to dress and act how I wanted without a care of what anyone thought. 

 My final moment of clarity came April 12th 2014. As odd as it will sound, it took place at a Brantley Gilbert concert. Watching him preform his songs, describing the life of the carefree, shit starting rebel. I realized that's how I used to be and I had been fighting this for years. The saddest part is I couldn't even come up with a legitimate reason as to why I'd been fighting against it so hard. I loved this life, I loved how I really was, I wanted this to be my life again. I'm not nor will I ever be the snobby, fake smiling, "I'm so much better than you are because I sell designer brands" sheep that all these people have tried to make me. I felt a wave of relief wash around me as all these thoughts forced themselves into reality. This is who I am, who I was meant to be and who I will fucking be, come hell or high water. Even if I'm in the prettiest formal dress you've ever seen, there will still be some piece of my hell side coming through. 

 Don't let your job, your friends, your family determine how you act, who you are or what you become. You are you. I had to learn the hard way that someone can only change that if you let them. So very simply put...don't fucking let them. Be proud of yourself, your flaws, your triumphs and you'll be okay. 

So two vampires and a drag queen are sitting in the living room...

It's not the beginning of a joke...it's just my life right now. One of my best friends, Kat is moving to Missouri on Monday. So for the past week I and our friend Stormi has been staying with her helping her pack, get ready for the move and just spending as much time as we can with her. It hasn't hit me yet and when it does I'm going to lose all ability to function for at least a week. Other things that haven't hit me yet, Ginna has decided I am not worth her time anymore and New Orleans boy has not changed...one bit. He decided to pop up out of the blue after at least a year and after a few weeks, and making plans to come see me, he has dropped off the map. As far as Ginna goes...I honestly don't know what happened. She started acting distant and weird and, now I can't get her to talk to me if my life depended on it. When that one hits me I'm either going to destroy something or fall apart all over again. But back to Kat, it still feels surreal I think. I look around the house and all of the furniture is gone, I helped her move 2 loads of boxes into storage yesterday and she's leaving in a matter of days. Considering all the walls I have built up, it will hit me on Monday when I drive home after watching her leave. After that blow I'm sure the blows from Ginna and New Orleans Boy will hit shortly after...might just be useless for a few weeks. This year has sucked thus far. At least I can look back on the fact that this weekend, while shadowed by a dark cloud, has been filled with spontaneous bouts of laughter, lots of veg out girl time and continuing smiles...

Side note: my Lana Del Rey obsession has grown, still love the rest of my music of course, but, suddenly the lyrics and feel from her songs are hitting me so strong. Unfortunately music highly influences me, so now all I want to do is ride around in a convertible, with a head scarf and my red lipstick on and smoke. I also feel the strong need to get a stiletto manicure, but she's helping me cope through all of this so I won't complain.

                                            Angels forever, forever angels.

         I'm gonna miss her, but at least she knows I'll drive to Missouri to kick her ass if she doesn't keep in touch.

Hangover Contemplations

Life lessons from this weekend:

1. If a man basically shotguns a pint of Crown, 2 Monsters and then proceeds to take 10+ hits of fake bake...he will hit a blackout phase. When he hits this phase, he will be a living (yet very confused) wrecking ball. Just ask the bedroom door.

2. If you are trying to have a semi quite house party, do not let people climb drunk into the nearest tree (which happens to overhang the pool). The limb will snap and they will go falling into the pool while still holding onto the tree limb. Large amounts of screaming will ensue.

3. I can go from drunk to sober in .02 seconds when a drunk man comes hurtling into the room I am in, losing his balance immediately and breaking a glass and the door, then having 2 friends go into panic attacks due to the commotion.

4. When 4 women, all ranging in levels of drunkenness, are huddled together on a mattress laying on the floor (2 of which are recovering from panic attacks) you will look like refugees. This will send you subconsciously into survivor mode and you will start to terrify the people that are not huddled in your group.

5. When your friend says that she, "Is so drunk that everyone sounds like they are talking in slow motion", the correct thing to say back to her is not "Ohhhhh liikkee thiiiiisssss?" She will trip out and start screaming.

6. It is very odd to wake up to 3 people sitting around you pounding back jello shots while the rest of the room chants them on with "Jell-o-shots. Jell-o-shots."

7. It is even more odd to wake up to a guy leaning over you, holding a cigarette to your lips and gently saying "....inhale....".

8. For the first time in years after a night of drinking, I have not felt the need to immediately shower and wash the shame off me. I don't know if I feel proud, or that I should have stepped up more.

9. You aren't sure if your friends always asking you to shake up the alcoholic whip cream because you "Make that motion so much better than they do" is a crack about your lifestyle or a compliment at your technique.

10. It is hilarious when you wake up the next morning to see that your best friend has drunk texted herself from your phone to remind sober her of a couple of things and also taken the time to make sure you don't get confused and think you blackout texted her.
" Apologize in the morning you groping idiot!!! Ps youre drunk and might be excused
Oh and youre phone and pants should be together. Drink poweraide. Love drunk Ginna. Remind Sarah you did this." (Word for word text message)

11. It is probably a bad thing when after your friend passes their breathalyzer test, your first thought is "YES... celebratory shots!!!!"

12. Making a drinking game out of "The People Vs. Larry Flynt" is a bad idea. If you have to drink every time you see partially to fully naked women you will get drunk quick.

13. When you are with good friends, no matter what drama might momentarily arise, there is always going to be a ton of laughter and more good memories than bad. Spastic giggles are contagious, as are good and bad moods and sometimes the best thing to do at 6am is to curl up and go to sleep.

Everyone wants to be someone. Everyone envies someone. Everyone emulates someone. Everyone strives to be a new someone. Everyone has someone they want to trade with.

I have multiple people, one for each mood, one for each day I feel like changing my spots. Here they are:

 

Holly Golightly, so classy, witty, fun and crazy. The amazing style goes without saying.

Marilyn Monroe in most of her movies, the ultimate sex icon, demure and cunning. But I will always hold Lorelei Lee closest closest to my heart.

O (Ophelia) in Savages - Don Winslow. I just started reading this book and I am finding myself more and more drawn to her character...that classic sun kissed Cali Girl.

Lara Croft, I mean seriously, can we say badass?

Serena Van Der Woodsen (and honestly at this point Blake Lively in general).

Taylor Momsen yes I have someone on this list younger than me. Despite what anyone says about her, I love this girl. She an amazing singer and has a sense of style straight after my own heart.

Channing Tatum's clothes.

Suddenly...It's Quiet.

It dawned on me last night that this is the first time in 9 years that I have been spending my free time alone instead of in the company of friends.
At the age of 14 I was always with Adrienne every weekend, by 15 if I wasn't spending time with Adrienne I was with my group of friends from the zoo, by 16 since Adrienne was busy with her new boyfriend all the time I was with Heather, CC and Amaris 3 days out of the week at least, multiple sleepovers, all nighters in cars and even Heather moving in with me at one point.
 After I turned 17 there was a huge blow up between our close knit group,only Heather and I managed to salvage our friendship a few months afterward...just so happened Darren wandered into my life about a month before this. We started dating literally days after this blowup and I was with him every weekend and all throughout every break he had in college.
The September after I turned 18, he left me. I was over at Heather's every weekend after that happened, Spending days at a time together usually with both of us drunk most nights.
 Right before Heather and I had our huge falling out in early 2008, I had started hanging out with Amanda, and seeing Darren again from time to time. Right after Mardi Gras I was staying with Amanda every weekend...eventually just moving in with her and having Darren come up once a month or so. I got a job at Safari in late 2008 and made a new group of friends once again a few months before I moved out of Amanda's in early 2009.
 Heather and I had reconciled once again and after getting my own place I was constantly with the Safari crew either at work or after parties lasting till 8am, Shopping with Tracy, or babysitting for Chad after an all nighter at his house. This was my life, all the while still seeing Darren occasionally. One bad night happened where I broke my leg at work...I ended up telling Darren I never wanted to see him again. Amazingly I had met Bobby a few months beforehand.
 We started hanging out all the time and getting closer and closer every week. Soon I had quit Safari, we were dating (due to that I was no longer with the Safari group as most of them didn't approve of me dating him) and I was living with him the 10 days he was home from the boat. The other 20 days I was usually found at Nikki's house hanging out with her, Tracy, Gina and occasionally Dean who I had met a couple of years earlier. I got a job at Century link and also had my few friends there that came to know. After Bobby left me I was either drunk with the Century link misfits or over at Nikki's house with her and Dean and back to occasionally seeing Darren.
Fast forward a few months to the present. I don't work at Century link anymore and never see any of that group. Nikki has turned into a crazy 2-faced bitch, Dean is stuck on her. So needless to say they aren't in my life anymore. Darren is busy with school/finding a job and thinks we need a "break to miss each other". The friends I have made in the past year are all very busy, one with a wedding, and 2 with jobs/life in general. Heather and Ginna I don't really see anymore due to jobs, life and in Ginna's case, distance. Amanda is busy being a newlywed and buying their first house together.

That long ass run on speech was my painfully long way of explaining the fact that, for the first time since I was 14, I'm not finding myself around friends 24/7. Every time before this when there has been a loss of a friend a new one has walked into my life sometimes just weeks before as if the universe was doing its damnedest to keep me from being alone. I don't quite know what to do with myself, I'm confronted with the glaring task of actually dealing with myself as a unique person and not as everyone else treats me. Not to mention finding out who that person is...it's so strange to be here at this point...and trying to revert to old habits and have people from my past not realize I'm not quite the same girl I was when I was 14, 17, or even 19, so much changed every time my circle of friends shifted and no one seems to see this but me. So my life has gone from one of partying and non stop random nights...to solitude and quiet reflection....not sure how I feel about this.

Possible Publication.

The best way to go about being killed...Hopefully without that happening.

How are we not dead or in a psych ward yet?

The tale of our successful evasion of institutionalization.


These are all possible titles for a project my Ginna and I are working on. You know that moment when you look at your best friend and wonder "Why the hell aren't we comedians?" I had a similar moment with Ginna...only the occupation was author instead of comedian. This idea had been building for awhile over the years of Ginna and I going over the many random and usually stupid things we had done. Things ranging from her running over a beaver (a thought that still sends me into fits of laughter to this day) to me O.D.ing on X a few years back. It suddenly popped in my head....how the hell are we still alive, or better yet not in a padded room? Our adventures while fairly tame, compared to many people out there, are still filled with immense stupidity and so many situations that could've gone very wrong. But I plan on getting into most of those in the book. I'm still debating if some need to be written down and admitted to. Maybe using a psueydonym would help protect us but whats the point of writing something if you never get to tell the people you are closest to that you accomplished something. So lets see how this goes...