Revival of Rebellion.

Ever lied to yourself? No? Alright, have you ever tried to make yourself fit into a certain mold or persona that seemed to grate against your every sense of self? O.K, well that's lying to yourself. It doesn't seem like it, it seems like a perfectly normal thing to do, you tell yourself it's you being responsible, or growing up or even the wonderful excuse of "This is life, this is what happens". All of that is a big fucking lie, I should know, because it's a lie I've been telling myself for the past 4 years. I understand sometimes you have to do what you have to do. You need money, so you take a job that kills your soul every time you punch in your time. I get it, money is what this world revolves around and sometimes you just have to. But don't try to make yourself think that job is who you are, don't think this is all there is. 

 I have worked corporate jobs, I have worked snobby retail jobs and I hated every second of my life. It killed my soul so violently that I started having physical health problems, as well as my mental problems getting beyond out of control. As soon as I walked out of the doors I had a moment of unbridled relief, shortly followed by complete dread after realizing "Shit, I have to go back at some point". Don't get me wrong I had moments where a rebellious thought would break through the haze of conformity I had forced myself into. But I quickly brushed them off, as they only depressed me further. I missed my old life, I missed being 19 and being able to dress and act how I wanted without a care of what anyone thought. 

 My final moment of clarity came April 12th 2014. As odd as it will sound, it took place at a Brantley Gilbert concert. Watching him preform his songs, describing the life of the carefree, shit starting rebel. I realized that's how I used to be and I had been fighting this for years. The saddest part is I couldn't even come up with a legitimate reason as to why I'd been fighting against it so hard. I loved this life, I loved how I really was, I wanted this to be my life again. I'm not nor will I ever be the snobby, fake smiling, "I'm so much better than you are because I sell designer brands" sheep that all these people have tried to make me. I felt a wave of relief wash around me as all these thoughts forced themselves into reality. This is who I am, who I was meant to be and who I will fucking be, come hell or high water. Even if I'm in the prettiest formal dress you've ever seen, there will still be some piece of my hell side coming through. 

 Don't let your job, your friends, your family determine how you act, who you are or what you become. You are you. I had to learn the hard way that someone can only change that if you let them. So very simply put...don't fucking let them. Be proud of yourself, your flaws, your triumphs and you'll be okay. 

So two vampires and a drag queen are sitting in the living room...

It's not the beginning of a joke...it's just my life right now. One of my best friends, Kat is moving to Missouri on Monday. So for the past week I and our friend Stormi has been staying with her helping her pack, get ready for the move and just spending as much time as we can with her. It hasn't hit me yet and when it does I'm going to lose all ability to function for at least a week. Other things that haven't hit me yet, Ginna has decided I am not worth her time anymore and New Orleans boy has not changed...one bit. He decided to pop up out of the blue after at least a year and after a few weeks, and making plans to come see me, he has dropped off the map. As far as Ginna goes...I honestly don't know what happened. She started acting distant and weird and, now I can't get her to talk to me if my life depended on it. When that one hits me I'm either going to destroy something or fall apart all over again. But back to Kat, it still feels surreal I think. I look around the house and all of the furniture is gone, I helped her move 2 loads of boxes into storage yesterday and she's leaving in a matter of days. Considering all the walls I have built up, it will hit me on Monday when I drive home after watching her leave. After that blow I'm sure the blows from Ginna and New Orleans Boy will hit shortly after...might just be useless for a few weeks. This year has sucked thus far. At least I can look back on the fact that this weekend, while shadowed by a dark cloud, has been filled with spontaneous bouts of laughter, lots of veg out girl time and continuing smiles...

Side note: my Lana Del Rey obsession has grown, still love the rest of my music of course, but, suddenly the lyrics and feel from her songs are hitting me so strong. Unfortunately music highly influences me, so now all I want to do is ride around in a convertible, with a head scarf and my red lipstick on and smoke. I also feel the strong need to get a stiletto manicure, but she's helping me cope through all of this so I won't complain.

                                            Angels forever, forever angels.

         I'm gonna miss her, but at least she knows I'll drive to Missouri to kick her ass if she doesn't keep in touch.