12 years and counting

It's been 10 years since I wrote a post on here....12 years since I decided I was going to move to New Orleans and go to Aveda. I even set a date, Sept of 2012 fall semester, then it was going to happen in 2013, then I wasn’t even going to bother with Aveda at that moment, I was just going to get to New Orleans (or at least close to it) as soon as possible in 2015. It's been 12 years, and I never went. I moved to Shreveport, across instead of down, then I moved back. Got married, got divorced. Never started Alt Modeling, never became a FX artist... Watched my mental health and the economy crumble almost at the exact same speed and that persistent decline just dragged down the likelihood of me ever getting south. I made dumb choice, the worst 2 of which were not leaving in 2013 when I had a standing job offer at one of the best haunted houses in the country, let alone the state and not leaving again after I had saved up $3000 because some stupid boy said he wouldn’t move down there. And here I am. Still here, still no hope of moving, for all new reasons now. New decisions, not all of which I regret. New roadblocks, most of which feel impossible. Same girl, 15 years older...I still feel like I'm 19 and I've been standing still with everything speeding past me. I’m the only one that didn’t successfully move away. I'm the only one that didn’t find a career, stack back money, find and keep their life partner early on. I get the creeping feeling that I'm going to blink again, and I'll be 45...then 55 and I'll still be here, with a life even more wasted than it is now. I find myself asking more and more often if there is a point. Why bother being here when things are so bad and unmoving and empty?