Xanga...the forgotten kingdom

So as you would guess from the headline I stumbled across my old Xanga today and in doing such checked in on my friends old pages...the last two updates were 2009...from Heather and Wes. Both stating that "Wow Xanga is still around??" Also finding the "Hey John...I found something KEWL!!!

(fans of the clay world people....heheh)" group. Xanga was my journal, I documented every random weekend adventure in that blog and highlighted it with many various icons. Taking so much care to remember everything that, I would keep a notepad with me so I could shorthand funny sayings and random happenings to make sure to have some record of them for the blog. Reading back over them I badly miss those days before my life took a nonstop turn towards nonstop shit. 

Ah to be 16-17 again...riding around all weekend in CC's car till 6am (sometimes falling asleep in the car) and having the entirety of our adventures funded by CC's credit card...which was in turn funded by her parents. There are so many nights we spent kidnapping people, following people, getting lost, breaking Heather out of her house, waking up neighbors and harrasing the few ppl working in walmart that I am amazed I really wrote it all down. Only a few nights were left out, one of which being the random night we all spent at Lloyds apartment. I miss how carefree and crazy we all were, before college became serious, children and marriage were a very real part of life and we were all still kids, running around like unsupervised maniacs, making everyone realize how truely insane we were.
My 2 regrets about these times are 1. We had no alcohol...that would have been beyond hilarious. 2. I wish Clair had been in our group more. She always struck me as way random enough to fit in on our adventures, but to my understanding her parents actually checked up on her, which would have prevented her from ever going out with us again after the first 4am adventure (but still I wish we could go back and kidnap her into the craziness). Mine were thankfully foolish to assume I was safe at CC's house by 11pm and that her parents were actually watching over us. BTW thank you mom and dad again for being that trusting right then. Granted I wasn't doing anything "bad" but I was sure acting a damn fool...and probably not in the safest of positions. But it made a couple of years of my life amazing.
It makes me very sad to see how badly things have turned out in some ways, I'm not sure if its because people always will grow apart or because I really did get tired of bullshit. 
I miss Amaris, possibly the most genuinley sweet person I have ever met....that wont talk to me anymore. When we did talk the conversation was never under 2 hours via phone and it was always personal and soul searching.
I miss me and Heather having the crazy super close relationship we used to. Heather and Sarah...the ones who invented their own language and according to her grandmother dated for a few years. So of course we ran with that last one...much to the confusion of a lot of men and some women. Even after everything with CC crashed around us, Heather and I managed to patch things up and become great friends again.
My only explanation for me and Heather not being as close now is the same thing that is about to push me and Amanda further apart...she has a family and while I am so insanely happy for both of them...I always feel like I'm butting in. Like they are ready to settle down with a husband, children and a very steady job and I'm still wanting to run the roads, listen to loud music and invade parks at 3am. I miss having companions for that...but again I don't begrudge them a minute of happiness.
Maybe one day I will find a way to relive that part of my life even if for a short while...but for now I can listen to the old playlist, sing along, smile and let my mind drift back to a world were I had no problems, there was always a friend awake and life had every possibility I could think of.

In memorandum

 All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You want to take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

Tattoos and Stage Names...

I want to say that I am really sick of assholes dating my friends...and jumping on me for even breathing around them...and I cant get fire back at them for it because I am trying to cause less grief for my friend. Now that I have that out of the way onto my other thoughts.

I got my tattoo on my back altered, there is a tear drop in the center of it now...which over time is going to be filled in until the entire background is red again. Reason for this is I originally got the tattoo because of a horrible breakup, mainly as a reminder. It hit me a few days ago that while getting the tattoo helped a little, I really have not healed at all from that blow. So I had Allen put the tear drop in...as I heal emotionally I am going to have the tear drop filled in more and more until hopefully its gone.

Needless to say I am looking forward to the teardrop being completely filled in.

Next order of business I am wanting to start dancing again so bad. Going to Hustler last night reminded me of how much I miss it. I wont be dancing in Shreveport though something about it just seems to much like Monroe, too close, too much bullshit. So I am going to wait and dance again in New Orleans.  I am changing my stage name though so say goodbye to Trouble/Ivy. I believe I am going to go by Wicked. All because of the remix to "Just Got Wicked" - Cold. I love the original song but the idea of someone walking out on stage to the remix is amazing...
Here is what I am talking about...

The other reason for the name is I want to get into alternative modeling and I need something that is a little less cliche' and fits me at the same time. Wicked is something I believe could work for me.
I had a couple of people suggest Suicide Girls to me and I liked the idea but after reviewing the rules...I don't think it is something I can do. Mainly for the fact that your submitting photo shoot has to be full nude. Not spread eagle mind you, but bare tits and bare ass...which I don't think I could deal with that. I am fine with being topless in front of random people in the bar because there is no evidence. Once you go naked online, you cannot take it back. So no Suicide Girls for me. :(

Oh well I will find another way to get out there.
For now time to watch Insidious and try to go to sleep.

The thing about being crazy.

This blank white editing screen with beige tabs and a plain blue border is very uninspirational. It is bordering on what could possibly drive one insane...but I forgot. I'm already there.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I have gone crazy again. Now you make ask what qualifies as crazy?
How about less than 4 hours of sleep a night for 6 months, nearly stabbing a coworker, having a "day drift" in which I yanked the keyboard out of my computer system and proceeded to beat someone over the head with it until they were extremely still? I am now medicated (and oddly enough still working at the same place), although the medication doesn't seem to be helping much.
I go to my first meeting with an actual psychiatrist the end of this month.
Yes things have been busy inside my fucked little head.
I hope if I get anything from the psychiatrist it is:
1. The ability to move on and forget about my ex Bobby. I feel like he has an amazingly strong hold on me and I cannot break it on my own to save my life.
2. I want to be diagnosed with whatever is wrong with me. I know something off up there where the wheels turn, perhaps a decaying hamster...but I want to know what it is, have it treated and go back to normal and happy. 

I'm going deeper with this sickness than I have before, isolating myself from essentially all my friends, only allowing myself to half assed be around certain crowds for small amounts of time.
Even engaging in companionship with some questionable people. Thank god I haven't slept with anyone randomly. On the other side of that coin the celibacy is driving me a little more crazy everyday.
I'm hoping getting away from this town and most of these people will help things, being away from my mom and dad terrifies me though.
Hoping and praying cosmetology school goes through for me, I found an amazing one in Baton Rouge/New Orleans called Aveda.
No matter my fear of moving off and not knowing what I'm jumping into I have to remember. I wont be here. I wont be around my ex...the main source of my insanity. I wont be around the psychotic low self esteemed girl that told me it was perfectly OK to sleep with her boyfriend (who has already slept with a large portion of North East La behind her back). I wont be around the 2 faced people that force you to walk on eggshells around them less you destroy your "friendship". I wont be around the 100,000+ bar whores my most recent ex has screwed and is screwing.
I will be gone, hours away in another town and I can forget who I have been while I was here and become someone new that no one has to know anything about unless I tell them.

I am looking forward to this, even if it is at least a year off.