This blank white editing screen with beige tabs and a plain blue border is very uninspirational. It is bordering on what could possibly drive one insane...but I forgot. I'm already there.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, I have gone crazy again. Now you make ask what qualifies as crazy?
How about less than 4 hours of sleep a night for 6 months, nearly stabbing a coworker, having a "day drift" in which I yanked the keyboard out of my computer system and proceeded to beat someone over the head with it until they were extremely still? I am now medicated (and oddly enough still working at the same place), although the medication doesn't seem to be helping much.
I go to my first meeting with an actual psychiatrist the end of this month.
Yes things have been busy inside my fucked little head.
I hope if I get anything from the psychiatrist it is:
1. The ability to move on and forget about my ex Bobby. I feel like he has an amazingly strong hold on me and I cannot break it on my own to save my life.
2. I want to be diagnosed with whatever is wrong with me. I know something off up there where the wheels turn, perhaps a decaying hamster...but I want to know what it is, have it treated and go back to normal and happy.
I'm going deeper with this sickness than I have before, isolating myself from essentially all my friends, only allowing myself to half assed be around certain crowds for small amounts of time.
Even engaging in companionship with some questionable people. Thank god I haven't slept with anyone randomly. On the other side of that coin the celibacy is driving me a little more crazy everyday.
I'm hoping getting away from this town and most of these people will help things, being away from my mom and dad terrifies me though.
Hoping and praying cosmetology school goes through for me, I found an amazing one in Baton Rouge/New Orleans called Aveda.
No matter my fear of moving off and not knowing what I'm jumping into I have to remember. I wont be here. I wont be around my ex...the main source of my insanity. I wont be around the psychotic low self esteemed girl that told me it was perfectly OK to sleep with her boyfriend (who has already slept with a large portion of North East La behind her back). I wont be around the 2 faced people that force you to walk on eggshells around them less you destroy your "friendship". I wont be around the 100,000+ bar whores my most recent ex has screwed and is screwing.
I will be gone, hours away in another town and I can forget who I have been while I was here and become someone new that no one has to know anything about unless I tell them.
I am looking forward to this, even if it is at least a year off.
No comments:
Post a Comment