My current life in song...and the songs I want for my life.

I started revisiting an old friend today...One Tree Hill - season 6. One of the reasons I fell in love with that show is the music and in hearing the amazing soundtrack I began thinking about how many songs seem to have been written expressly for my life. Now for the most part this is not a good thing in my life. These songs are usually not the best thing to have reference your life. I cant wait for my life to be sound tracked by happy music and only happy music for once. Here...lets go for a visual aid.

A sampling of my life soundtrack now:
Snuff - Slipknot
Guinevere - Eli Young Band
FMLYHM - Seether
Ashes - Five Finger Death Punch
Pretty Girl (The Way I Love You) - Sugarcult
Need To Destroy - THC
Gone Forever - Three Days Grace
Figured You Out - Nickleback
How You Remind Me - Nickleback
I Devise My Own Demise - Papa Roach
Forever - Papa Roach
Nothing Left To Lose - The Pretty Reckless
Selfish and Cold - Rev Theory


Yes even when I am in a relationship alot of these songs still fit...pretty conducive of an unhealthy relationship if you ask me.

Now this is what I actually want my life soundtrack to be:

Innocence - Avril Lavigne
 Pride and Joy - Stevie Ray Vaughn
Hell and High Water - Black Stone Cherry
Johnny Cash - Jason Aldean
Somehow - Kenny Wayne Shepherd
Leave This Bed - Maroon 5
Favorite Color - One Less Reason
Fireflies - Owl City
Smooth - Rob Thomas (Santana)
Riptide - Sick Puppies
Guy What Takes His Time - Christina Aguilera
Tough Lover - Christina Aguilera
All or Nothing - Theory of a Deadman
Danse Russe - Hurt

Okay so I meant to give a couple examples...I ended up making 2 separate CDS oh well.
Now to burn the last CD and use it as a guide to navigate my life.

One day I'll get to happy and stay that way.

The delirium is seeping in...

It's 5:37am. I'm leaving with a few friends for New Orleans in 3 hours and I have yet to sleep...at least I wear delirium well.  I am also doing a first for me on this trip, I'm meeting a guy. Now to specify...I am meeting a guy I met online roughly 5 days ago. We clicked pretty good and hit off so I guess we figured hell, why not meet, we might not get another chance. The thing I find interesting (Other than hes 23 and a blonde...I've never gone after a blonde and I usually focus on men in their late 20's - mid 30's) is that I'm actually excited to meet him. After Bobby I didn't see that happening for a few years and yes it has almost been 1 year but still. We will see how things go...hopefully well.
A few people think I am crazy for this adventure...but, the way I look at it is I have met 2 people (men) online before. 1 has been a good friend of mine since we met in person which was around 6 years ago, the other is marrying my best friend. The friend whose bachelorette party we are going to in New Orleans in 3 hours. So speaking from experience meeting people online isn't always stupid or careless...as long as your careful.
Right now I'm just really trying to pass time until I have to get up and start moving around. I know there is no point whatsoever in me trying to sleep right now an hour of sleep will only piss me off and probably make me more groggy. I have 2 hours till I have to walk out the door and it feels like its dragging so much ass.
Random note- made my first penis shaped cake tonight.
After mom and dad come get the last load of stuff from the apt (this weekend) and I do a last run through/ clean through I will officially all moved out of my apartment and back in with the rents. I am looking forward to it but still don't wanna be far from Monroe. But I think it will be a very worthwhile decision.
It's 6am...my eyeballs feel like they are boring into my head, I want a cigarette to stay awake but I am out until we leave. Boosuck.
I have apparently turned an actual blog into nothing but writing every thought that pops in my head...I told you I wear delirium well. I feel deeply sorry for everyone in the car with me.
My apologies now.
K well this ate up 30 minutes...and who the hell is texting me at this hour...ah dude I'm meeting is texting me.
I'm gonna go and try not to scare people...

Xanga...the forgotten kingdom

So as you would guess from the headline I stumbled across my old Xanga today and in doing such checked in on my friends old pages...the last two updates were 2009...from Heather and Wes. Both stating that "Wow Xanga is still around??" Also finding the "Hey John...I found something KEWL!!!

(fans of the clay world people....heheh)" group. Xanga was my journal, I documented every random weekend adventure in that blog and highlighted it with many various icons. Taking so much care to remember everything that, I would keep a notepad with me so I could shorthand funny sayings and random happenings to make sure to have some record of them for the blog. Reading back over them I badly miss those days before my life took a nonstop turn towards nonstop shit. 

Ah to be 16-17 again...riding around all weekend in CC's car till 6am (sometimes falling asleep in the car) and having the entirety of our adventures funded by CC's credit card...which was in turn funded by her parents. There are so many nights we spent kidnapping people, following people, getting lost, breaking Heather out of her house, waking up neighbors and harrasing the few ppl working in walmart that I am amazed I really wrote it all down. Only a few nights were left out, one of which being the random night we all spent at Lloyds apartment. I miss how carefree and crazy we all were, before college became serious, children and marriage were a very real part of life and we were all still kids, running around like unsupervised maniacs, making everyone realize how truely insane we were.
My 2 regrets about these times are 1. We had no alcohol...that would have been beyond hilarious. 2. I wish Clair had been in our group more. She always struck me as way random enough to fit in on our adventures, but to my understanding her parents actually checked up on her, which would have prevented her from ever going out with us again after the first 4am adventure (but still I wish we could go back and kidnap her into the craziness). Mine were thankfully foolish to assume I was safe at CC's house by 11pm and that her parents were actually watching over us. BTW thank you mom and dad again for being that trusting right then. Granted I wasn't doing anything "bad" but I was sure acting a damn fool...and probably not in the safest of positions. But it made a couple of years of my life amazing.
It makes me very sad to see how badly things have turned out in some ways, I'm not sure if its because people always will grow apart or because I really did get tired of bullshit. 
I miss Amaris, possibly the most genuinley sweet person I have ever met....that wont talk to me anymore. When we did talk the conversation was never under 2 hours via phone and it was always personal and soul searching.
I miss me and Heather having the crazy super close relationship we used to. Heather and Sarah...the ones who invented their own language and according to her grandmother dated for a few years. So of course we ran with that last one...much to the confusion of a lot of men and some women. Even after everything with CC crashed around us, Heather and I managed to patch things up and become great friends again.
My only explanation for me and Heather not being as close now is the same thing that is about to push me and Amanda further apart...she has a family and while I am so insanely happy for both of them...I always feel like I'm butting in. Like they are ready to settle down with a husband, children and a very steady job and I'm still wanting to run the roads, listen to loud music and invade parks at 3am. I miss having companions for that...but again I don't begrudge them a minute of happiness.
Maybe one day I will find a way to relive that part of my life even if for a short while...but for now I can listen to the old playlist, sing along, smile and let my mind drift back to a world were I had no problems, there was always a friend awake and life had every possibility I could think of.

In memorandum

 All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You want to take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

Tattoos and Stage Names...

I want to say that I am really sick of assholes dating my friends...and jumping on me for even breathing around them...and I cant get fire back at them for it because I am trying to cause less grief for my friend. Now that I have that out of the way onto my other thoughts.

I got my tattoo on my back altered, there is a tear drop in the center of it now...which over time is going to be filled in until the entire background is red again. Reason for this is I originally got the tattoo because of a horrible breakup, mainly as a reminder. It hit me a few days ago that while getting the tattoo helped a little, I really have not healed at all from that blow. So I had Allen put the tear drop in...as I heal emotionally I am going to have the tear drop filled in more and more until hopefully its gone.

Needless to say I am looking forward to the teardrop being completely filled in.

Next order of business I am wanting to start dancing again so bad. Going to Hustler last night reminded me of how much I miss it. I wont be dancing in Shreveport though something about it just seems to much like Monroe, too close, too much bullshit. So I am going to wait and dance again in New Orleans.  I am changing my stage name though so say goodbye to Trouble/Ivy. I believe I am going to go by Wicked. All because of the remix to "Just Got Wicked" - Cold. I love the original song but the idea of someone walking out on stage to the remix is amazing...
Here is what I am talking about...

The other reason for the name is I want to get into alternative modeling and I need something that is a little less cliche' and fits me at the same time. Wicked is something I believe could work for me.
I had a couple of people suggest Suicide Girls to me and I liked the idea but after reviewing the rules...I don't think it is something I can do. Mainly for the fact that your submitting photo shoot has to be full nude. Not spread eagle mind you, but bare tits and bare ass...which I don't think I could deal with that. I am fine with being topless in front of random people in the bar because there is no evidence. Once you go naked online, you cannot take it back. So no Suicide Girls for me. :(

Oh well I will find another way to get out there.
For now time to watch Insidious and try to go to sleep.

The thing about being crazy.

This blank white editing screen with beige tabs and a plain blue border is very uninspirational. It is bordering on what could possibly drive one insane...but I forgot. I'm already there.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I have gone crazy again. Now you make ask what qualifies as crazy?
How about less than 4 hours of sleep a night for 6 months, nearly stabbing a coworker, having a "day drift" in which I yanked the keyboard out of my computer system and proceeded to beat someone over the head with it until they were extremely still? I am now medicated (and oddly enough still working at the same place), although the medication doesn't seem to be helping much.
I go to my first meeting with an actual psychiatrist the end of this month.
Yes things have been busy inside my fucked little head.
I hope if I get anything from the psychiatrist it is:
1. The ability to move on and forget about my ex Bobby. I feel like he has an amazingly strong hold on me and I cannot break it on my own to save my life.
2. I want to be diagnosed with whatever is wrong with me. I know something off up there where the wheels turn, perhaps a decaying hamster...but I want to know what it is, have it treated and go back to normal and happy. 

I'm going deeper with this sickness than I have before, isolating myself from essentially all my friends, only allowing myself to half assed be around certain crowds for small amounts of time.
Even engaging in companionship with some questionable people. Thank god I haven't slept with anyone randomly. On the other side of that coin the celibacy is driving me a little more crazy everyday.
I'm hoping getting away from this town and most of these people will help things, being away from my mom and dad terrifies me though.
Hoping and praying cosmetology school goes through for me, I found an amazing one in Baton Rouge/New Orleans called Aveda.
No matter my fear of moving off and not knowing what I'm jumping into I have to remember. I wont be here. I wont be around my ex...the main source of my insanity. I wont be around the psychotic low self esteemed girl that told me it was perfectly OK to sleep with her boyfriend (who has already slept with a large portion of North East La behind her back). I wont be around the 2 faced people that force you to walk on eggshells around them less you destroy your "friendship". I wont be around the 100,000+ bar whores my most recent ex has screwed and is screwing.
I will be gone, hours away in another town and I can forget who I have been while I was here and become someone new that no one has to know anything about unless I tell them.

I am looking forward to this, even if it is at least a year off.

1 reason I made this blog...and stripper envy.

So yes I have a facebook. But due to my friends list there are a few notes/blogs I cant post or there would be a multitude of pissed off and hurt people. I'm not a perfect person, yes, people piss me off immensely, friends included. The latest of which being a stripper friend named Sadie.

My nerves have been worn extremely thin with her anyway considering a few previous stunts shes pulled. But even without that I am pretty upset over last night. It was her first time dancing in Hustler. She made $1000. Let me explain....
Normally I would be thrilled if one of my girls made that at a place like Hustler. But Sadie doesn't want to do it. She doesn't want to be a stripper, I'm not 100% sure if she thinks of it as degrading now or beneath her specifically or what. But the only way she really does it now is at home as a work out or teaching other people to work out. Which is fine...but she changed. She used to be more like me all about being seen on stage, knowing everyone is watching you and in some way wanting you and will pay you even though they know they will never get you. It's fucking empowering as hell...I physically cant dance right now due to a car wreck busting my knee because of not being able to dance I have lowered strength and gaining weight I just don't need to be up there for awhile. Plus with the tech job I currently have I could work 1 day a week maybe 2 tops and it would have to be every week...And I'm craving it. I miss being up there so much, I miss having my body in shape and being able to move perfectly to the songs I love. And yet here is my friend who doesn't even wanna be up there, waking me up at 6am to wave a stack of bills in my face. That's a little shitty to me...and it pissed me off pretty bad. I'm sure it's selfish of me but I can't help it.
So there's my immature post of the month. Enjoy.

Five Finger Death Punch Contest Entry.

So today I entered a contest to win a signed Five Finger Death Punch guitar. The basic idea being you name the 5FDP song that fits you or your life the most, then write out why.
Here is my submission:

The 5FDP song that fits me the most is Ashes. Any relationship I build, be it romantic or a friendship dissolves or is damaged beyond repair in front of me. So many things I've had or wanted in life have been simply ripped away, usually from my own doing. When I look back that's how it seems, like I just leave a trail of ashes. Anything I touch I find someway to burn it and destroy it, intentional or not. I want to stop it, but I don't know how. The verses Ivan Moody sings in this song describe me at my most destructive state, the horrid temperament, self destructive, sharp tongue, corrupt, a jinx/curse on so many aspects of my own life and others...and yet just like he describes there is a side of me that is more than comfortable with it. Part of me regrets nothing because I've still managed to survive. I'm drawn to the destruction and chaos that I can so easily create. I look back at the ashes I've left and while part of me feels the empty sadness of loss, part of me still smiles.

So many of their songs fit me partially, like one verse will completely stand out to me to where the connection between it and my life are like a slap in the face. But Ashes was the top pick as every lyric fits my life as a whole...not just the relationship from hell I found myself thrown out of recently.

Here is the song I entered...

The other one I was tempted to use as an entry was The Bleeding. Even though I link it back to my ex and the song is extremely fitting in that aspect, it does have another meaning. The Bleeding is the reason I love 5FDP. I remember exactly where I was when I first heard them.

It was 2008, I was at my friends Heather and Randall's house, I was still a little torn up from a bad breakup and we were having another poker/vodka night. I was sitting down at the dining room table drinking a Smirnoff Raw Tea (my favorite alcohol ever made and sadly no longer in production). I remember I loved Ivan Moody's voice, and the words seemed like a perfect mixture of anger and sadness. I walked over to the walk-through and slid down the wall into a sitting position on the floor and listened to the rest of the song, drinking my raw tea. I've been hooked ever since.

This is the story I tell people when they ask me why in the hell I'm getting the 5FDP knuckles. Its simple. It is very rare for me to remember the exact moment I heard a song. I remember the exact time when I saw "War Is The Answer" in stores. They are my favorite band and I believe they have more than earned that spot. \

Seeing them live only made it better. They love the knuckleheads. They take the time to meet them and hang out with them. Ivan Moody even walks through the crowd at some shows to meet and greet away from the merch booth. It's rare to even see a meet and greet anymore unless for VIP or won through a contest.

Anyway I have rambled enough. Here is a pic to end the blog. The pic that made my ex beyond insanely jealous.

Life Soundtrack June 2011

So back when I was about 15 till I was 17 me and my friends would make life soundtracks (the start being some random chain bulletin on Myspace). Just a list of 15-20 songs that fit us or our life at the current moment. These would usually get updated every 4 months or so. I realized today how long it's been since I made one of these so I figured I would type it up and maybe one day have it as a reference for a future burn CD list. I used to have so many CDs of these soundtracks, then one day my binder was tragically lost or stolen. Yes I cried.

Here is my current one:

1. Bouncing Off the Walls - Sugarcult
2. Baby Doll Gone Wrong - Skye Sweetnam
3. Pretty Girl - Sugarcult
4. Work - Jimmy Eat World
5 . Guinevere - Eli Young Band
6. Nothing Left to Lose - The Pretty Reckless
7. Prelude 12/21 - AFI
8. When I'm Gone - 3 Doors Down
9. Passive - A Perfect Circle
10. Snuff - Slipknot
11. Devils Own - Five Finger Death Punch
12. Needles -Seether
13. Save Me- Unwritten Law
14. Ashes - Five Finger Death Punch
15. Leave a Scar - Marilyn Manson
16. Break - Three Days Grace
17. Made of Scars - Stone Sour
18. Innocence - Halestorm
19. Break Stuff - Limp Bizkit
20. All American Nightmare - Hinder

The most personal thing I'm willing to share

You always get asked that question sooner or later on most sites. If its not by the site itself, it will inevitably be by some visitor glancing around your page. I would like to go ahead and get that out of the way in my first blog. Now you could expect me to say something like "I'm fucked up" or "I've been hurt" I think we all have so it's really more obvious than personal to admit to those statements.
I don't even have a statement now that I think about it.

Instead I have a picture and a video link (providing they work) to show you a reference to the most personal part of my life. I dont feel like going into the details of what I went through. I dont mind the references though.

I figured enough mental and emotional scars were left...why not put one out there for the world to see.

My newest and most personal tattoo I have or ever plan to get. A lovely reminder for me in so many ways.

Now here is the song behind it.

Snuff - Slipknot.

Well I guess I've written my first blog for this site...and gotten the inevitable question out of the way. So where do I go from here? I think I'll go back to work for now and see when the need to write slaps me upside the head again. They wont all be this dark/gloomy I promise. :)

- Tattooedmusic89